A Hate Survivor’s Remorse

Success sucks. It really does. I can never avoid this feeling after my so-called “success” or my “wins.” That’s why I often quit, self-sabotage, or walk away.

As I take the time to think about it, from September through January, I ran an incredible sprint. I maintained a sense of balance and remained focused throughout the tasks at hand to achieve the success that brought me to these heights.

I’m ready for the next sprint, but there’s a mental block I’ve been trying to identify. I know it’s tied to how I feel, which seems rooted in grief—grief from all the losses. But if I’ve been winning, how could it possibly be grief? I’ve since identified the feeling as mourning. After reflecting further, I think it’s more akin to survivor’s remorse than anything else.

If I’m to continue my work, the real question isn’t about what to do or how to do it—my vision is clear. The decision I face is about who I have to become to keep going. I’ve faced this choice before, often deciding to quit or walk away so I wouldn’t have to change the core of who I am—a non-negotiable for me.

“Act, Jameel. It’s time to act!”. That’s the advice everyone is giving me because it’s how they navigate these spaces without losing themselves. Or worse, they fear being themselves and coming off as tone-deaf, or saying something that insults or criticizes those who hold the purse strings. They also have to keep things cool with the communities they serve, especially since, at this point, they have bills to pay or other goals they can’t achieve by simply being themselves. It’s okay though because I am enough and I had to survive hate before.

The most memorable time I faced this dilemma was when I built a real estate brokerage in New York City. If you know anything about real estate in NYC, you know you can’t just wake up one day and decide to be a real estate broker unless you’re already an attorney. It’s an entire process. My goal was to become a real estate investor after acquiring the knowledge, resources, and experience.

I began the journey, learned quickly, got all the necessary licenses, and became really good at it. I spent two years solidifying my credentials as a real estate agent, earning all the points required to take the broker’s exam. I passed and became a broker, which gave me the privilege to open my own brokerage.

Leaving my real estate company to start my own was difficult, but I did it. I don’t even remember how long I operated the brokerage, but I do remember hitting the ground running. I used everything I’d learned—all the relationships I’d built and my knowledge of customer acquisition—and within months, I had a fully operational, successful business. Things were going well.

I went from a one-man shop to having my own team of agents. But then I had a moment—a moment I’ll never forget. It was a Saturday afternoon. I had just finished up work, the office was empty, and everything was running smoothly. I sat in my favorite chair in the office, the one that allowed me to view the entire office and the views outside the windows.

As I sat in that chair, I said to myself, I can’t believe I did it. What started from nothing but a thought four years earlier had grown into something more than I could’ve imagined. It felt great—for a moment. Then I thought about what it would take, in every sense, to keep it going.

I sat with that thought. I remember saying to myself, success sucks. It was a fleeting thought, but I remember it clearly because when I walked out of the office that day, without further conversation with myself, without really knowing it I had decided to close the brokerage. Thoughts are that powerful.

Here’s the other lesson I learned during that time: I didn’t need to be a real estate broker to be a real estate investor. That realization mattered because only other brokers truly understand what it takes to run a brokerage—the constant challenges from your team, colleagues, partners, and the political, economic, and community interests at play.

Honestly, no one appreciated the effort and hard work I was putting in—not my family, not my team, not my friends, not my partners, and not even the very community I was serving. What made it worse was the entitlement. I was expected to do business a certain way, in certain neighborhoods, at certain price points. And when I didn’t, even though I went out of my way to fight for the very people I was serving, they turned on me. The way they made my work harder than it needed to be was absurd. But still, I was successful. However, for me, success isn’t enough. Success isn’t my driver. I am enough. I am driven. I am self-made.

This is just a reminder to myself: I’m going to enjoy my snowy wonderland and eat on without guilt or any more survivor’s remorse. 😘🤫🫶🏾

Oddly, as I remember those days, Drake’s “Started From The Bottom” would get me through those days. Hmmm…nothing was the same! The reality is we can do both.

We can walk away from it all without quitting, without stopping.

Nothing is the same! 🏁

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